The Wizard of the Rings
by Bryndlwynn
Summary: It's a twist between Lord of the Rings and the Wizard of Oz
1. The Beginning

*Author's note: Is a quick little short story I whipped up! Very short and kinda cute*  
  
Frodo goes to the Mall  
  
It was a nice, sunny summer day when Frodo decided he needed to return this evil ring he had (it was too tacky for him). So, he set out down the yellow brick road, to find the Mall (he brought his little gardener Sam with him- he needed to buy a rake). On his way, he came to a place where a scarecrow was hanging on a stick. "Where should I go?" He wondered out loud. Two voices said at the same time, "Go Left, Go right."  
  
"Who said that?" Frodo said suspiciously, looking around.  
  
"Twas us," the scarecrow said.  
  
"Us?" Frodo said, utterly confused.  
  
"For sure!" The scarecrow said. He hopped off the stick he was on, and the wrinkled clothes fell off.  
  
"Merry and Pippin!" Frodo exclaimed joyfully. "What where you guys doing up there?"  
  
Merry fidgeted, and Pippin answered slowly, "Oh...we were just...heehee...what I mean to say is, we were borrowing a few of Farmer Maggotsoup's vegetables."  
  
"Cauliflower, potatoes, radishes, beets, corn, carrots, mushrooms, acorns-" Frodo said, inspecting the basket "-Acorns?"  
  
"What?" Merry asked innocently.  
  
"Strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, lettuce, rutabagas, and some wheat?" Pippin finished the list of what was in his basket.  
  
"Hiiiiiiddeeee!" Sam the gardener yelled.  
  
"Why?" Frodo asked.  
  
"I see a black rider approaching!" Sam replied.  
  
"A black rider?" Merry said questioningly.  
  
"It's a lawyer," Sam explained. "He must have heard about the ring! Sneeron must have sent the 9 lawyers out to stop you!"  
  
Frodo gasped. "You mean the owner of the shop I brought my ring from?"  
  
"Exactly," Sam said. "I guess he doesn't want it back-to tacky."  
  
"We'll have to cast it into one of the mall fountains!" Frodo exclaimed.  
  
"What about security guards?" Merry asked.  
  
"And flying orcs!" Pippin added.  
  
"Don't forget Saruman," Sam said.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The wicked toll-tower-booth man from the west," Sam explained.  
  
"Ah," Frodo said.  
  
"Ahhhhh!" Merry and Pippin screamed.  
  
"Um..." Frodo backed away from them.  
  
"It's a lion!" Merry screamed.  
  
"It'll eat us alive!" Pippin screamed.  
  
"No I won't," the lion said. Strangely, it had a long grey beard. "I'm not a lion, you see, I just mixed myself up in a spell."  
  
"Gandalf!" Frodo said joyously. Gandalf the Lion sat for nearly a half an hour, and finally turned himself back into a wizard. He came along with Frodo, who needed a refund on his tacky ring, Sam, who needed a rake (and we needed him to be a part of the *not spoiling it* later), Merry & Pippin, the two little hobbits that needed an un-ending feast, and of course, Gandalf needed a book of spells. After walking for a while, they came to a forest.  
  
"It's a shortcut, I'm sure," Gandalf said.  
  
"Well, let's go!" Sam said, running ahead.  
  
"Welcome to my realm," a voice boomed.  
  
"Who is it?" Merry said, cringing.  
  
"I'm a pre-recording," the voice explained. "I'm played in a microphone triggered by heat. If you want to find out who I am, press one-" a box with numbered buttons had dropped from a tree "-If you want to run away screaming, press two, and if you want to explain why you forgot your homework, press three."  
  
"It's Elrond, the Elven school superintendent," Gandalf said. "Make haste, for he can help us."  
  
"Can he destroy the ring?" Frodo asked.  
  
"No, but I'm sure he can give us a nice baloney sandwich," Gandalf replied.  
  
"Nummy," Sam said. He thought about his new rake.  
  
When they came to the PTA council room to discuss the ring, Sam, Merry, and Pippin weren't allowed. They disguised themselves as plastic plants and hopped into the room to listen in on the conversation. Many different, and important, people/elves/dwarves/etc. were there. There was Aragorn, the would-be king of a fast-food chain, Boromir, the prince of a highly important rival mall to that of Sneeron's, Legolas, the prince of Mirkwood Souvenirs (it was a company with stands up in every important place), Gimli, one of the members of a jewelry company, and Elrond. There were, of course, some others, but they aren't important, so we'll just not bother with them.  
  
"You all know why I've called you here today," Elrond said.  
  
"To discuss what our next fund-raiser will be?" Gimli asked.  
  
"Um...no," Elrond said. "We're here to discuss Sneeron, and the fact that he won't let Frodo return this tacky ring he bought."  
  
"He's scaring away our customers," Boromir whined.  
  
"His mob of Black Riders stampeded one of my restaurants," sniveled Aragorn.  
  
"Yeah, well that stupid Gollum thing we were tracking came and raided on of our stands, looking for that tacky ring. He wrecked all our merchandise!" Legolas whimpered.  
  
"But you didn't lose sight of him, did you?" Elrond asked.  
  
"Um...I'll take outer planets, for $200?" Legolas fidgeted nervously.  
  
"D'oh," Elrond sighed. "Anyways, this ring must be sent back! We have to prove to Sneeron that he's a freak. And besides, well, um..."  
  
"Honestly, why do we care?" Legolas muttered.  
  
Elrond paid no attention. "Who will take the ring back to the evil Sneeron?" He waited for a few minutes, obviously hoping for someone to volunteer. "Well, I'm not going. I have to supervise. Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir, and Frodo. You started this, you finish it."  
  
"Oh no you don't!" One of the plastic plants yelled. It hopped over next to Frodo, and Sam's head popped out of it. The other two plastic plants in the room also hopped over to Frodo.  
  
"We're going too!" Merry and Pippin chimed in.  
  
"Hey, look!" Frodo exclaimed, "Legolas is sneaking away!"  
  
"I don't want to!" The blond elf whined.  
  
"Well, you have to. Get going." Elrond said, shoving them out the door."  
  
  
  
Thanks for reading! I'm going to write 3 or 4 more chapters, but don't expect quick updates. ( 


	2. The Pass of Caradhas

Wizard of the Rings, part 2  
  
*Author's note* I'm sorry I haven't done anything to update this in so long. Sorry it's so short!  
  
Frodo paused on the road to stare into outer space. "Grumph. Stupid ring."  
  
Aragorn was having trouble with his compass. "Every way I turn, it always points north!" He yelled, throwing it down a cliff. It popped open and springs and cogs came out.  
  
"It's supposed to," Legolas said, backing away from the odd ranger.  
  
Gandalf pulled a map out of his back pocket. He turned it upside-down and shook some crumbs out of it. "Let's see." He tripped on a rock. "Ouch. We can go up this mountain, through this trail, around these trees, past the toll-booth man, and hope no one notices us."  
  
"Why is the ring so dangerous?" Boromir asked. Frodo fell behind and started to open his pack.  
  
Gandalf eyed him gravely. "Anyone associated to the ring, especially those that put it on, loose all fashion sense and become almost color blind. 'Twas horrible to see Mr. Bilbo wearing a cap backwards." Gandalf snorted, obviously containing his laughter. Aragorn and Boromir looked at each other and shrugged.  
  
"Gandalf must have had that ring for quite some time, eh?" Aragorn murmured to Boromir. The two snickered and exchanged comments on the other fellows of the Fellowship.  
  
Frodo came running up to Sam, Merry and Pippin, clutching a bag. "Look what I found!" He whispered with glee.  
  
"Beer!" They both screamed at once. Everyone turned to stare at them. "Not beer," they said quickly.  
  
Gandalf turned his wise old head to stare at them, and Boromir said something particularly funny. Both he and Aragorn fell down laughing.  
  
As Sam, Frodo, Merry and Pippin raced to catch up with Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli, they all managed to step on Boromir and Aragorn. "Ouch," murmured Aragorn. Boromir repeated his comment, and they both dissolved into hilarity again.  
  
"Mr. Gandalf, sir," Sam said. Gandalf turned. "I," continued Sam, "Believe this is a funny place." ("Like Camelot?" Frodo asked) Gandalf stroked his immensely long beard. "I think we should leave, Mr. Gandalf, sir."  
  
Gandalf continued to stroke his beard, and was lost in space for a few minutes. "Why should we give up our wondersome plan to get to the mall in minutes, just for Boromir and Aragorn?"  
  
"It's very good for the plot, Mr. Gandalf, sir." Sam said politely.  
  
"Of course, we could just throw them off the Cliffside," Legolas said thoughtfully.  
  
"That would be fun.but Boromir has places to die," Gandalf said. "Here's an idea. Let's get that yokel, Gimli, to take us to his cave. I can *not* get killed by a particularly gassy security guard (after a large lunch of 23 burritos), and you all can be defeated by the dorcs."  
  
"Orcs, sir," Sam said. "Anyways, weren't they fed to that really big crocodile last year?"  
  
"Oh yeah..." Gandalf muttered, and whacked himself on the head. Unffortunately, the only thing he remembered was an appointment with the dentist two days ago.  
  
"Wait a minute..." Boromir said angrily. "Throw me off a cliff? That's @#$&*%!"  
  
Merry and Pippin exchanged glances of glee and scurried to write the bad words down.  
  
Gandalf got his pipe out, and started smoking it. He puffed little blue and pink caterpillars up to the top of the mountain. Suddenly, Sourman's disembodied voice appeared. "Who dares to blow smoke rings on my mountain?!" And then he was sued for plagiarism and they didn't have to worry about him anymore. 


	3. Into the Mines of Moria

Author's Note: Hehehe...yes...I'm finally updating. Geez, it's taken me forever, I know. I'm also going to start work on a new story sometime soon...  
  
~8~*~8~*~  
  
"Let's go back," Frodo said nervously.  
  
"Go back *where*?" Legolas asked. "Sourman is gone and we're in no danger."  
  
Frodo, entirely out of character, leaped at Legolas and began pulling his hair out. "Will-- you--- just let me--- BEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" He yelled.  
  
Aragorn, that sissy Ranger, got out a video camera and began filming the fight. Halfway through, Gandalf hit them both with his big magical staffy thing. "Let the ring bearer decide," he said evenly. In his gravelly voice.  
  
"We need to go back, LEGOLAS, so we can further the plot. You do realize that just walking to the mall will totally get rid of at least 9 chapters, save Gandalf from becoming a higher power, and stop Boromir from dying?"  
  
"Say, I've been thinking..." Sam said.  
  
"Thinking what?" Merry asked, seven minutes later.  
  
"Oh yeah. About my new rake." Sam said happily.  
  
"So what?"  
  
"Oh...yah, I thought..." Sam took his frying pan and knocked Gandalf out with it. Then he kicked him off the side of the mountain.  
  
"Gaaaaannnnnddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllffff!" Frodo yelled.  
  
Boromir peered into his mouth. "Frodo, I do believe your tonsils need removing. Frodo shut his mouth nervously.  
  
"No I don't."  
  
"Yes you do."  
  
"Agh! My tonsils!" Frodo whimpered.  
  
Gandalf suddenly flew back up. "Hell-o!!! I'm deeeaaad here!"  
  
"Oh yah. Gaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaa- Say, Sam, is that real jelly?"  
  
"Certainly, Mr. Frodo sir. I wouldn't have anything else."  
  
"Me neither. Can I have some?"  
  
"Does anyone have beer?" Merry interrupted.  
  
"I made a poem about beer. Does anyone want to hear it?" Pippin chimed in.  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"Ok, then! It's really good.  
  
Beer, beer, beer and beer.  
  
I like my beer beer beer.  
  
Beer is good and beer is nice  
  
but beer does not go with spice.  
  
I drink my beer morning noon and night  
  
I like to drink my beer alright.  
  
Beer is something you should not waste  
  
because it has an excellent taste!!"  
  
"Stop right there," Gandalf hissed. "I was just knocked off the side of a mountain with a frying pan, and not one person seems to care?"  
  
"I was thinking you might like a beanie baby TM on your grave," Legolas said truthfully. "Would you?"  
  
"Yes---er, no! Can't you see? I'm not really dead!"  
  
"That's why we don't care!" Merry said happily, drinking magic beer.  
  
"I mean, I'm dead *now.* But I'll come back later. So you should mourn me now! And Sam, why did you do it? I was so touching- so dramatic! I have real talent, and you take my glory away from me!"  
  
"Well, I figured I could kill you now and you could come back sooner than before. I was also thinking I could buy Boromir some Kevlar, so that Uruk- Hai doesn't shoot Boromir--"  
  
"Who cares about Boromir? At least you had a good reason for killing me, Sam. Well, I guess I'd better ascend now. Ta ta."  
  
And then Gandalf was gone in a brilliant flash of light. Several Wargs thought it was an alien invasion, and so they bought themselves tin foil hats. By mistake, they were casted into Scooby Doo and now work on the Beverly Hillbillys. They do not like popcorn flavored Jelly beans.  
  
Sam: "Well, we'd better get on with it. We've already wasted almost three pages with Gandalf's death and some sort of stupid beer poem."  
  
Pippin: "Say, do you think Gandalf would like my Beer Poem on his Epitah?"  
  
Aragorn: "Epitah? Young man-" *Boromir whispers something* "Oh, oh yah. I think Gandalf would like that a lot."  
  
Pippin: "I'll go do that!"  
  
Merry: "Say, can we head on over to the mines of Moria yet? I mean, this chapter is called, "The Mines of Moria," after all."  
  
Frodo: "Alright."  
  
So, they walked and they walked and they walked until they got to the mines of Moria. Then Gimli, who had been to a Foreign Spa and was not with the current times, asked what was going on.  
  
Sam: "Oh, I killed Mr. Gandalf and now we're going to the Mines of Moria!"  
  
Gimli: "The Mines of Moria?? Oh, great. Balin lives there, and he is such a freak. He just won't stop playing checkers! It's checkers this, checkers that, blah blah blah. I hate him!"  
  
Boromir: "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Now, we still have to go into the mines, so let's just get on with it, ok?"  
  
Gimli: "Fine."  
  
Boromir: "Fine."  
  
Gimli: "Fine."  
  
Boromir: "Fine."  
  
Frodo: "As much as I hate to break up that hilarious and fun filled argument, you guys are boring and annoying. You're just wasting our time, and I bet you're stalling so we can think of some more ways to be original and funny. Well, it won't work. I'm on to you!!!"  
  
Legolas: "How sad." *Shoots the Watcher/octopus type thingy* "Sigh. What can I say? I have a talent."  
  
Sam: *nastily* "Do you want that cash or check?"  
  
Legolas: "Don't let your foolish Hobbit whims get into the way of my greatness."  
  
Merry: "Beer is nice."  
  
Pippin: "Sometimes, when we drink to much, we pass out and wake up in New York city. It's a very scary experience."  
  
Aragorn: "How nice."  
  
Frodo: *walks into the mines*  
  
Everyone else: *follows him*  
  
Frodo: "Well, we're in the mines. There's no stopping us now."  
  
Gimli: "Good god! Look at all the dead dwarves!"  
  
Frodo: "Since we're running out of food, Gimli, maybe now would be a good time to induce cannibalism."  
  
Gimli: "Sure, kill off your little hobbit friends. I bet they taste like fried bat if we add sugar."  
  
"Merry & Pippin (think about it)": "Sugar makes the medicine go down!  
  
Little Bird: wee tweet weet  
  
Aragorn: "Oh my gosh, like, it's so, like, scary in here! Can we go to the tomb and fight the cave troll already?"  
  
*Troll appears*  
  
Sam: *hits it with frying pan*  
  
Troll: *grunts and falls down dead*  
  
Sam: "Oh yeah, who da man? w00t."  
  
Aragorn: "Amazing, simply amazing. Can we go back to our old format? I feel sort of funny."  
  
Sam jumped up and down for a few moments and then everyone agreed that they would throw his magazine down the well to start up the drums. Sam was very sad, because he liked looking at rakes in very.rakish poses. Then the drums started, and Gimli pretended to be sad his cousin was dead. "Oh, boo hoo ha ha ha. He's gone, he's gone oh ye-I mean, oh no!"  
  
After fighting several orcs, everyone felt tired and then Gandalf came back. "Hello, good friends, I am now Gandalf the White. No more Gandalf the Grey, I possess great magical powers." Then the Balrog came and ate him, and Frodo said "To Be continued," just because it seemed like a good idea at the time. 


	4. The Death of Boromir, The Crossover that...

Finally, an update! Whee!! I'm hoping this will be funnier than the other chapters were, because they weren't that funny... hmm... they had their moments, at least.   
  
+ + +   
  
Frodo looked down the giant chasm. The Balrog was laughing wickedly. Muahaha! I have eaten your wizard! If you want him back, roll your dexterity!   
  
Boromir asked.   
  
Aragorn asked.  
  
Legolas asked.  
  
I like sheep, Sam said.   
  
Everyone turned to stare at him.   
  
By jove, he's brilliant! Some random British guy shrieked.  
  
That's amazing, Sam! Aragorn said, his mouth wide open in awe. We'll simply take a sheep, fill it full of socks, and throw it at the Balrog! How did you ever think of that, Sam?   
  
  
  
Wait... there aren't any sheep in here. Boromir looked around.   
  
I know where we have to go! Legolas said. To the foresty forest place, where there are flying orcs and Elves!   
  
Do the Elves fly as well? Frodo asked.  
  
No, they ate so much at this one big party during the last century that they can hardly walk. The only pretty one left is Gladware, but she isn't around a lot since she sells plastic bags to unwary travellers.   
  
Frodo said, sounding disappointed. Can you fly?   
  
Legolas snorted. What do I look like, a horse?   
  
Merry and Pippin exclaimed. I want a pony, and a crocodile, and a chimpanzee! Pippin added.  
  
We'll train an iguana and he'll do a little dance! Wearing a hat! Merry yelled.   
  
We'll start a travelling circus and people will pay money to come and watch! The two Hobbits ran off to plan their evil circus schemes, and Boromir scratched his head.   
  
I have a great feeling of foreboding, He confided to Gimli, who happened to be standing there.  
  
Say, if you were... to suddenly die... could I have your CD player? The Dwarf asked.   
  
Uh... why?   
  
Oh, you know.   
  
Nah, I think I'll give that to Aragorn. Gimli snorted and sulked off. You can have my accordian! Boromir called after him.   
  
What are you talking about? Legolas asked, walking over.   
  
Oh, Gimli was wondering if he could have my CD player if I were to suddenly and unexpectedly die.   
  
Hey, can I have it?   
  
Boromir frowned in annoyance. No, I'm giving it to Aragorn. Why is everyone so determined for me to die, anyway? And what's so cool about my CD player?   
  
Oh... fate, you know. And besides, your CD player has AM/FM radio! Legolas exclaimed. He smiled widely.   
  
Uh... I'll just go over here now, Boromir said, backing away. Then, he accidentally fell off of the cliff (I mean, Gimli *certainly* didn't push him). I'm not dead! He called out. Then an accordian hit him and he was silent.   
  
Everyone turned to stare at Gimli, for some reason, but the Dwarf just whistled innocently. Let's find this Gladware, he said.   
  
So they all went and found Gladware, and she let Frodo have some Glad bags for free (Don't get mad, get Glad!!). Frodo looked into the Glad bag, and saw his reflection... then he saw Bilbo falling off a cliff... then he saw the Shire on fire... then he saw some people dancing the polka. He exclaimed, holding his face. People will dance the polka if I don't destroy this ring!?   
  
Its tackiness is spreading, Frodo, and soon the whole world will be overcome.   
  
So Frodo and Co. left to find Mall Doom. They were all sleeping contentedly on the banks of a river, when suddenly Frodo woke up. Someone is having a midnight snack! He gasped. He ran to their portable freezer, and there was Boromir the not-so-dead eating Doritoes!   
  
Frodo screamed, and ran away. Sam woke up immediately, and followed after Frodo. Dogs-I mean gardeners-are faithful like that.   
  
The next morning Aragorn woke up and saw Boromir lying on the ground, his face green. I... the Doritoes were poisoned... the man gasped, and then fell silent, again. You may.... *cough* CD played... *hack* Back pocket...   
  
Aragorn grabbed the CD player, pushed Boromir into the river, and immediately began listening to DJ Elrond groovin' to the tunes. And now DJ Rwen is gonna take your shoutouts! Aragorn gasped when he heard his fiancé's voice.   
  
I have to call Arwen! He exclaimed. Gimli and Legolas woke up to see their leader running in the direction of the nearest toll booth. They both shrugged, grabbed all of their stuff, and followed after him. No one noticed that Merry and Pippin had never come back from their circus schemes...  
  
+ + +  
  
Sam and Frodo gasped as their bleeding feet carried them at a higher and higher altitude, so high up, in fact, that they had very little air left. We've been going in circles and have no hope of surviving for much longer! Frodo began to cry.   
  
I'll never get my rake! Sam began to cry as well.   
  
Just when they thought all was lost, a shadow blocked out the sun. Spongebob squealed.  
  
Sam and Frodo yelled, and ran so far away that they were right on the edges of the Dead Marshes. It's the Dead Marshes, said Spongebob, who had followed them using his super spong flying powers.   
  
Get out of here, this be no cross-over! Sam snarled, and pushed Spongebob into the Dead Marshes.   
  
Spongebob shouted, waving his arms madly. Then he met a dead squirrel and a dead starfish and a dead squid and there was much rejoicing.   
  
Now what, Mr. Frodo sir? Sam asked.   
  
I don't know, Sam, I don't know.   
  
+ + +   
  
Ehehehehehehehe.... what happens next? I hope you liked it! Next update... in a while.


End file.
